Bad Barnet XI

David James

Could just as easily been David Seaman, both have had awful haircuts. It is difficult to pick just one of James’ haircuts as his worst ever but one has been chosen after much deliberation. After the cornrows and afro, you would have been forgiven for thinking it could only get better, sadly it didn’t. His short, slicked down 40’s haircut has helped him make the Bad Barnet XI. 

Taribo West

The former Nigerian right-back was well-known in football and he became even more recognisable due to this shocking green tuft/dreadlock/ponytail style haircut.

 

Paul Scharner

There were quite a few defenders to choose from when picking this XI but Scharner isn’t featuring only for his Cruella de Vil inspired choice of hair colour. His place in this side was guaranteed when I was reminded of his “Thanx” cut.

  Not satisfied with the normal end of season comments to the press thanking the fans, Scharner went a step further and thanked the Wigan fans for their support with a truly dreadful cut.

 

Christian Ziege

 

Ziege mainly features as a left back or on the left side of midfield but for I’ve shifted him to centre back (mainly to allow for Loco to feature). That said, the German defender has certainly earned his place in the team with his 2002 World Cup cut. He went for a style resembling a landing strip down the centre of his head but unfortunately that wasn’t enough. He had it dyed with the colours of the German flag. Patriotic....Yes. Stylish....No.

 

Loco

Loco (Manuel Armindo Morais Cange) is known for his haircuts more than his football as he plies his trade in the Angolan leagues.  In the picture above, he doesn’t look too happy so we must assume he has only just realised how stupid he looks and give him the benefit of the doubt. Whatever the reason for his haircut, he is worthy of a starting place in this “Bad Barnet XI”.

 

David Beckham

Without doubt one of the most famous footballers in the world but he has still had his fair share of bad haircuts. The list of Beckham haircuts is endless and it’s been difficult to choose between the cornrows and Mohawk. The Mohawk has been chosen, but know you’re thinking which one? There were two. We’ve gone for the more offensive landing strip one (a la Christian Ziege) rather than the longer version which many parents thought would also suit their small children during the World Cup...it didn’t.
 

Chris Waddle

Chances are you were expecting to see Waddle feature in this XI as soon as you read the title. Great with a football, not so great with a microphone, really pretty awful in terms of hair styles. The mullet is why he is here of course. To be fair to him, it was the 80’s and mullets were relatively acceptable. The fact it was 30 years ago doesn’t change anything though, it was still terrible.

 

Carlos Valderrama

  Another name you probably expected to see here. Love it or hate it, that hair was something special. It wasn’t just a perm nor was it just an afro; it was an enigma. I’d go as far as saying it is the only truly impressive hairstyle on this list. There are many unanswerable questions in the world; the meaning of life, if a tree falls and nobody is there does it make a sound etc. Mr. Valderrama gave us one more; how on earth did he manage to head the ball?
 

Neymar

The one who inspired me to make this list/squad after he appeared against Scotland recently with what has been described by some as a ‘ferret’ on his head. He has the ability to go on to be one of the great players of his generation. He may even be on our screens regularly after the summer if the numerous rumours linking him with Chelsea are to be believed. 

Ronaldo

  His hair at the 2002 World Cup gives him a place in the team. As Neymar hopes to be himself one day, Ronaldo was one of the best of a generation and his hair was never a talking point until the summer of 2002. He has never been a man of many hairstyles and the style in question came out of nowhere. Who knows what he was thinking asking the hairdresser to shave his head leaving just a semi-circle at the front.
 

Jason Lee

 There was no way I could ignore “Pineapple Head”. His became a household name (unfortunately for him it was due to his hair and not his footballing ability) thanks to Baddiel and Skinner who regularly mocked his hair on their TV show. This lead to fans chanting constantly about Lee’s hairstyle; which lead to him being upset; which lead to him shaving the “pineapple” off.

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Joga Bonito

Yesterday, Brazil beat Scotland 2-0. Ignoring the fact that in just one match we’ve witnessed the 1,624^th “next Pele”, controversial banana throwing and one of the worst haircuts ever – why are Brazil so good? If you asked people which the best footballing country is, there will almost always only be one answer....Brazil. But why?

Yes, the game was invented in England so surely by some kind of divine right we should be the best, or at least up there with the best. On paper, England probably does have one of the best teams but why our national team is so unsuccessful is a question for another day. The following article desperately searches for the reason why the Brazilians are so good. Any mention of Brazil’s success on the world stage would be unnecessary; everyone knows how good they have been in the past and how good they continue to be but above all it won’t help answer the question.

A quick Google search for “why are Brazilians so good at football” won’t tell you much. You’ll just get lost in the copious amount of comments from people suggesting that all young Brazilians play football in the hope of escaping the favelas. This assumption may be true to a certain extent but it certainly isn’t the reason why Brazil has such a strong national football team. If escaping a life of poverty was the reason then surely a lot of other countries which have just as much if not more poverty than Brazil, would be producing world class talent year in year out as Brazil has done so well and for so long. If you don’t believe us at the Hand of Blog then listen to former Brazil coach Carlos Alberto Parreira;

“There are no more players from the beach or from the street - this is a myth, a legend”

Brazilians refer to their country as “o País do Futebol” (the country of football) and they really are obsessed with the game. Carlos Alberto Torres, who captained the victorious Brazilian 1970 World Cup team, has said in the past that football is like a religion in his country, that quote comes with the other standard statements about living and breathing football etc etc. Maybe this goes someway to explain the Brazilians success but I don’t think it does. Football is also quite a big deal in England. Sadly for England fans this alone proves that football fanaticism throughout the country as a whole has no relation to on-pitch success.

Admittedly Brazil, in terms of population, is a huge country with roughly 190,000,000 inhabitants and as it is a country in which “everyone plays football” they do have a lot of people to choose from when picking their best team. There it is, I’ve mentioned it. They have about the three times the amount of footballers to choose from than we do in the UK but it would be lazy and somewhat crass to say that this is the reason why they are so good. It helps but it just isn’t a good enough argument and I hope you’ll agree that 5 World Cup wins wasn’t just down to a large population.

One thing that is rarely focussed on when searching for Brazil’s secret is that as children they are generally not given specific positions when they play football. In part this is due to the absence of leagues and competitive fixtures for young children in comparison to the European system. To a certain extent, they can do what they want on the pitch from a young age which is invaluable for all footballers. They aren’t taught within rigidly structured coaching guidelines, there is no right way to pass nor is there a wrong way to dribble with the ball. They just do what comes naturally to them but more importantly they do without a fear of getting anything wrong.  Following guidelines and rules brings with it the pressure to succeed, without instructions things can flow, there is room for flair and you can be more relaxed. Those are three things that feature in all Brazilian teams and the way in which young children are taught (or not as the case may be) can go some way in telling us how Brazil always seem to do well.

After all that and still not much further towards answering the question, one thing sticks out for me in terms of the difference between football in the UK and in Brazil. They enjoy it, we don’t. When the next World Cup begins in Brazil, you’ll see the whole of Brazil come together for one enormous party. Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s because they are hosting it, they do it for every World Cup. Of course, the whole of England will be excited as well, finally ready to win the World Cup for the first time since ’66, having overcome the inevitable heartbreak of Euro 2012 and a nervy qualifying round. The difference is that for our preparation we will be picking holes in the squad, discussing who shouldn’t be there, talking about what the manager is doing wrong and avidly reading the tabloid headlines. So, in actual fact we won’t be enjoying it at all, but the Brazilians will be.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding

In the world of English football, there is currently an on-going debate on whether or not standing at football matches should be allowed and if it should/could be reintroduced to the top flight of English football.

Some are worried that a return of terracing in football stadia would cause an increase in violence at matches. This is mainly referring to the top flight, as many clubs in the lower leagues still have a terrace. The current cut off point for not allowing terraces in stadia is between League One and the Championship. 200% make a good point that if standing at matches is so dangerous then there should already be a blanket ban covering all the leagues, thus preventing any terraces at all in the stadia. The view that terracing would see a return in violence at matches is nonsensical as it is assuming that as soon as the first terrace is built in the Premier League everyone would think they are back in the 70’s and 80’s and begin to grow mullets and start fighting. This would never happen as the fans would still be segregated, especially in the top flight.

The dreadful tragedy that occurred at Hillsborough may have involved standing areas of supporters, but this incident should not be used as an argument against the reintroduction of terraces. It is widely documented that at Hillsborough the awful events that unfolded were the sad result of many contributing factors, but no-one can pretend that what happened was because it was, in parts, a standing area. The standing areas certainly did not help the situation but the disaster could have been prevented if there had been, among other things, better crowd control and strict ticketing policies in place, which nowadays there are.

In a Guardian blog debating the reintroduction of standing areas Andy Holt, the Assistant Chief Constable of South Yorkshire police who is against terracing, says that seating areas are a more welcoming place for families and young people. Firstly, the main reason for the increase in families and young people coming to football matches is surely due to the significant decrease in violence in the last 30 years, not because they can now sit down. There will always be people swearing at football matches, in seated areas as well as standing areas. If you are sitting near someone swearing and being disruptive then you have no choice but to listen to it all match because you cannot move away as you’ve already been assigned a seat. In a terrace you can move wherever you want in order to get away from the person in question.

I’m at a loss however to explain Andy Holt’s view that there is an improved atmosphere in seated areas. Maybe he’s referring to the famous atmosphere in the Kop at Anfield, but as Malcolm Clarke points out in the same Guardian article it is quite common for the majority of the Kop (and similar areas at other clubs) to stand during games. From a personal point of view, I’m with Malcolm Clarke on this as any game I have been to where I have been in a terrace; the atmosphere is completely different to that when I have been sitting at other games.

Upon finishing reading Andy Holt’s/ the police’s view of the terrace debate I was left wondering how many football matches Andy Holt has actually been to. At almost all matches when a team is attacking and bearing down on goal, the fans of the team have stood up in anticipation of celebrating a goal. This is perhaps seen as a selfish act by a minority also sitting in the same stand but isn’t it just a natural reaction to quickly jump up out of your seat expecting/ hoping for a goal to follow? It happens at matches, in pubs and even in homes all over the country. Especially if it involves the frequently nerve racking England games in the World Cup and Euros.

When you get to the bottom of the whole debate, we (well, the FA) are deciding whether or not to give fans a choice. Why not just give them this choice? If people want to pay to stand then let them, I imagine that many would happily pay the same price as the people sitting if it meant they could enjoy the atmosphere of the terrace. On the flip side, if people want to sit then they can and they always will be able to because no-one is suggesting that clubs transform their whole stadiums into four terraced stands.

If the FA/Police need an example of how terraces in top flight football can work and be implemented then all they need to do is follow the example of some Bundesliga clubs in Germany who still have terraces. If Germany, a country just as advanced as the UK, can find a way to have safe standing areas put in place at some stadiums in the best attended (on average) football league in the World then surely there would not be a problem for the Premier League and Championship.

If you support the Football Supporters Federation’s proposal to give fans the choice of standing at football matches in England and Wales then you can sign a petition here.

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Where are they now?

I’m sure many of you have had some experience of the Football Manager or Championship Manager games. If they have somehow (surely they haven’t?!) managed to pass you by they are a series of football management simulation computer games. The majority of people who have played them have probably also been addicted to them at some point. Yes you read that correctly, addicted and I include myself in this group.

When I started this blog, I never thought I would write something about the virtual football world but to be honest I have felt almost as much an attachment to some of my teams on the games as I feel to the real life team I support. Not quite the same of course, it never could be but the level of emotion I have had to my teams on the game is rather worrying.

I randomly started thinking about the older versions of the game that I used to play and the unbelievably skilled and talented (although admittedly in the most part the stats weren’t realistic) young players that I discovered for my world beating teams. I realised to my horror and disappointment that the majority of the “next best thing” youth talent never made it in real life. Even more distressing, no actually that doesn’t convey the feeling, even more painful/heartbreaking was that they never got close and the non-football manager world will never have heard of them as they quietly slipped into the obscurity of the footballing world.

So, where are they now and what did they achieve?

Sergey Nikiforenko

Same name problems as with Maxim Tsigalko/Maksim Tsyhalko here. In the games he is Nikiforenko, in real life apparently it is Syarhey Nikiforenka. Anyway, that’s not the point. He was often referred to as one of the best players on the older games with people often teaming him up with Tsigalko to produce a free scoring strike force.

Nikiforenka, like Tsigalko is a Belarusian player and they have had similar careers in reality. Although Nikiforenka isn’t quite as widely travelled in terms of whom he has played for. In fact he has only ever played for two clubs; FC Shakhtyor Soligorsk and FC Dinamo 93 Minsk. Both are Belarusian teams and it was with his hometown team Soligorsk that he began his career and it seems he will probably end it there as well.

His first spell with Soligorsk was short, only a year and he was a young player at the time. He only played twice and didn’t open his scoring account for them. 1997 saw him spend a season at FC Dinamo 93 Minsk but once again never quite got going managing only one goal in 14 appearances. However, a year later he returned to Soligorsk and has been there ever since. I was going to say and the rest is history but that would suggest he has an unrivalled scoring record there and is one of the greatest players ever. That’s probably a bit too harsh on the Belarusian striker; he has scored 87 goals in his 12 years there (over 291 games). It’s not awful, I’ve certainly seen worse scoring records but not a patch on his Championship Manager exploits.

 Maxim Tsigalko

Tsigalko is a name you would expect to see in this list as he is one of the legends of the series. On his Wikipedia page it even mentions how he achieved some degree of fame in the UK due to his ability (sadly for Maxim it was only virtual ability). Ok, first thing is first; his name is not spelt Maxim Tsigalko, although it is probably pronounced like that (if someone who speaks Belarusian reads this, please enlighten me). His name is in fact Maksim Tsyhalka.

In real life, he had a humble and quiet career in Belarus. It was a career which unfortunately came to an end when he had to retire at the age of 26 due to persistent injuries. Maksim’s career started at Dinamo Minsk where he moved up through the youth team and eventually played for the first team. In his 5 years at Minsk he played only 53 times but had a relatively good scoring record of roughly 1 in every 2 games. It was during his time at Dinamo Minsk that he managed to break into the Belarusian national team. He only managed to get earn 2 caps for his country and scored one goal.

In 2006 he moved from Dinamo Minsk to another Belarusian club; Naftan Novopolotsk. His two years at Novopolotsk weren’t particularly impressive (only 3 goals in 24 appearances) and his one and only season for Kazakhstani club Kaisar Kyzylorda was a similar story (7 goals in 21 appearances).

The early part of the 2008 season saw Tsyhalka play for two clubs. The first was Benants Yerevan in Armenia; for whom he played just four times although he did score twice during this very brief spell. After leaving the Benants and the Armenian league, he soon found another club in Belarus; FC Savit Mogilev. Tsyhalka played 8 times and scored twice before the club had to release him due to financial problems which ultimately saw the club fold.

Kennedy Bakircioğlü

 

One of my personal favourites from the old games is the great Kennedy Bakircioğlü. The first thing you will notice about him is the Ajax shirt he is wearing, which pleased me greatly after having no clue where he ended up after he had been an integral part of my world beating team. The fact that he has played for Ajax probably means I shouldn’t feature him in this list but I am doing so for two reasons. Firstly, he was never near as good as he was in the game, and at 30 he probably never will be. The second reason for including him is purely just because he vastly improved my early teenage years by his virtual ability. Yes that is down to the people at Sports Interactive but I would like to think that if only I had been his manager he would have gone on to greater things!

Between 1996 and 2005 King Kennedy played for 3 clubs; scoring 52 goals in 185 games from his attacking midfield role. He spent the majority of those years at Hammarby in Sweden; the country with which he would go on to win 14 caps for. His family moved to Sweden from their native Turkey in 1972.

In 2005, after a move to FC Twente he became well known in Dutch football after scoring 23 in 66 games. His fine form earned him a move to Ajax, a team which he played for until last year. At the end of his first season with Ajax, then manager Marco Van Basten declared him surplus to requirements but Bakircioğlü remained with the club until last season despite only making a handful of appearances.

He is currently plying his trade in La Liga with Racing Santander and thus far has played 21 times and scoring once. Santander are sitting in 14^th in La Liga at the moment but only 4 points above the relegation zone. If anyone can turn that around it’s King Kennedy.

Julius Aghahowa

 

If you follow your football (real and/or virtual), you have probably heard of him due to his spells at Wigan Athletic or Shakhtar Donetsk. Out of all the players in this “Where are they know?” article he is undoubtedly one of the most well-known of them all but if you ever had him in your team on the game then you will appreciate that he never quite reached the same level in real life that he did in the games.

The Nigerian striker (if you ask me he’s always been better employed as a winger, but that’s probably why I’m not a real manager) has a certain amount of experience on the world stage as he has featured in the Nigerian team 32 times and has scored 14 goals for the Super Eagles. It was Aghahowa who scored Nigeria’s only goal at the 2002 World Cup, it came against Sweden.

The first two years of his career where split between a year at Bendel Insurance FC in Nigeria and one at Esperance in Tunisia. His performances there obviously didn’t go unnoticed as Shakhtar Donetsk picked him up in 2000. He remained there for seven years and he scored roughly once every three games on average during his time in the Ukraine. The Premiership’s very own Wigan Athletic then picked him up in January 2007. Unfortunately for him, things didn’t really work out in the North West as he failed to score in his 18 months there.

So it was another year and another club for Aghahowa and this time he found himself in Turkey playing for Kayserispor. That makes it sound like he woke up there after a heavy night out at one of Wigan’s many classy nightspots, he didn’t, he moved there in a legitimate transfer. Aghahowa had a slightly better time in Turkey than he did in Lancashire, but still only managed six goals.

In the summer of 2009, he returned to Shakhtar on a free transfer. Surely this time at Shakhtar he will be the world beater he was on Championship Manager, well unfortunately not yet as they have loaned him out to PFC Sevastopol.

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Football Blog Carnival for World Poetry Day

This post is part of a blog carnival for World Poetry Day. To view poems by other bloggers, search on http://www.twitter.com or http://www.google.co.uk/realtime for WPDfootballpoems

I’ve greedily written two different parts for my contribution to the World Poetry Day Football Poems. The first is a sonnet for fan-owned clubs and the second is 3 limericks, each one for a different fan owned club. (I’ve gone for a fan-owned club theme if you haven’t realised!) 

A sonnet for fan-owned clubs

As the modern game suffocates due to financial bane,

There are some who are pushing for it to be changed,

The following is for them as they are keeping it sane,

As they ensure football and fans are never estranged

These clubs will always be safe from the predators,

The fans, the saviours, all want one thing,

That never again should they owe to creditors,

Pride, pleasure and protection to their clubs they shall bring

With honesty and transparency is how they shall work,

No longer in silence, as they can now have their say,

To the fans go the responsibilities and not one will they shirk,

And directly to their club goes the admission that they pay

They are showing others the way to a land of opportunity,

Now the fan owned clubs are giving football back to the community.

Not particularly funny limericks for a select few fan-owned clubs

Chester FC

A club was formed as you may recall, 

By some fools in a bingo hall,

The ‘ell bent committee

“Killed” Chester City,

But now they are having a ball.

FC United of Manchester

They are not big fans of the yank,

Who is always in debt to the bank,

Playing at Gigg lane,

For their campaign,

Now without an American crank.

AFC Wimbledon

Milton Keynes left the fans nonplussed,

Along came help through the Dons Trust,

They started again,

Promotions attained,

  And a return to the league would be just.  

 

Throughout the day, a piece of football poetry has appeared on various football blogs.

The contributors are; 

 

The 72

thetwounfortunates

ryanahubbard

footballhobo

sahafromthemaddingcrowd

aunitedview

richardandneilsfootballblog

Northern League Day

endtoendstuff

The next football bloggers to contribute are over at the great http://richardandneilsfootballblog.blogspot.com/  , their piece should appear from around 4pm onwards. Enjoy!

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European Briefs

France

The president of a village team has been suspended for 6 months after launching an audacious bid to buy Lionel Messi from Barcelona. [Read more...]

Contrary to rumours, the woman who has accused Marseille player Brandao of rape is continuing to press charges against him.

Lisandro, out since the beginning of the year scored a hat-trick on his return for Lyon on Sunday.

Nice midfielder Emerse Fae will sit out the rest of the season due to Phlebitis.

Both Cris and Yoann Gourcuff will sit out Lyon’s game against Sochaux on Saturday as they are focussing on being fit for the match against Real Madrid.

Germany

Reports of “Manager Chaos” in the Bundesliga, as it looks like Bayern Munich, Hamburg and Wolfsburg are already looking for new managers.

Most surprising are the reports that Schalke are also looking to replace Felix Magath even after Schalke progressed in the Champions League.

Otto Rehhagel is the favourite to take over at Schalke if Magath is sacked. This would open the door for Robin Dutt to take over in the summer.

Spain

An unfortunate nickname has been given to Real Madrid player Mesut Ozil. His kind teammates at Madrid now call him “Nemo”.

Cristiano Ronaldo is recovering from a hamstring injury and should feature against Lyon in the Champions League and possibly even against Hercules.

Barcelona are trying to secure a deal that would see Gareth Bale join the Catalan team.

Andre Palop, the Sevilla goalkeeper, is looking likely to miss the game against Barcelona due to a wrist injury.

Italy

Rumours that AC Milan have agreed a deal to bring Kaka back from Real Madrid in the summer.

The Napoli president has said that there is no way manager Walter Mazzarri will leave the club in the summer.

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Who are ya?! Part 2

2.    “The Fair-weather Fan”

Match day habitat: as the name suggests this can be dependent on the weather but also how they are feeling and how their team are doing; can they be bothered etc. If it’s not too bad out and there’s a good chance of a win, then they’ll be going to the match. If it’s not looking good for the team, or if it looks cold and there could be rain on the way, they will more than likely be an honorary armchair fan for the day (or as long as it takes for the team to start winning again).

Match day diet: Obviously a lot of the fair-weather fans match day activities and routines are dependent on the league position of their team because that directly affects the fan’s decision whether to go or not. So it could be a half-time pie at the stadium or it could just as easily be a Bombay Bad Boy on the sofa.

In contrast to the Armchair fan, the fair-weather fan is certainly not specific to a particular level of football. In fact, they’re everywhere and I can guarantee everyone who reads this will know one.

The fair-weather fan will generally be a “good” supporter of their team….as long as they’re winning and rising up the table. If they’re losing and falling down the table then the club definitely can’t count on the fair-weather contingent within their support to be there. Of course when/if they start winning again, they’ll return. (I would have said they’ll come crawling back but if they can happily walk out on their club when things get tough I doubt they would be ashamed!). So what are they doing when “their” team is struggling? Well they’re usually still being “good” fans, only by now they will be fans of another more successful club. Let’s just say that they would include “bandwagons” and “jumping onto things” in their interests and hobbies.

One thing (which I forgot to mention in the armchair-fan piece) that the fair-weather fan has in common with a lot of armchair fans is that following one team just isn’t enough. This brings us to the well known “2nd team” discussion. Is it bad to follow the results of another team in a different league or even a different country? For me personally it’s not, but I’ll save the more detailed 2^nd team discussion for a later date so we can stick to the topic of the Fair-weather fan. The difference between the Fair-weather fan’s 2^nd team and other fans 2^nd teams is that they will follow theirs with strangely the same amount of enthusiasm as their 1^st team. For the fair-weather fans, having a 2^nd team is essential so they can turn to them when the 1^st team isn’t doing well.

So if their team are playing well and winning, then they will usually be at the match but don’t ask them anything about the away games because other than the rare exception they won’t have been there. (My sweeping generalisation here is assuming the fan had the time and money to go but chose not to!) Not that they were just ignoring the match, they were probably checking updates and/or listening on the radio if possible. The point I’m trying to make though is that a Fair-weather fan would very rarely bother with an away game. The exceptions being; a very local rival and a promotion game – of course this is all dependent on the success of the team.

The urban dictionary sums the fair-weather fan up nicely;

“Last to join, first to leave”

urbandictionary.com

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Who Are Ya?! Who Are Ya?!

As mainly a non-league fan myself, although I do follow the "big" leagues as well just with less of an interest, I thought it would be interesting to have a look at the different types of football fan. Today is the armchair fan, more to follow.

Every football fan has their own rituals on a match day which range from the weird to the wonderful. I won’t be naming names but I know someone (a Man Utd fan) who in homage to Peter Schmeichel insists on kicking the end of his bed when he wakes up on the day of a Man Utd match, in the same way that the Great Dane did with the goalposts just before kickoff. Make of that what you will, but I’m sure you’re desperate to know which type of fan you are so I’ll move swiftly on. 
 

I should also make it clear that I personally don’t believe that there is one type of fan which is “better” than another; they’re all fine and I appreciate that everyone supports their club in their own different ways!

1.            “The Armchair Fan” 

 
Match day habitat: at home, also often seen in the pub. Always prefers to be sat in front of sky sports if possible (if not then final score will have to do) whether at home or in the pub. If the armchair fan can’t get to a TV during the match then the highlights on Match of the Day will do. 

Match day diet: whatever’s in the fridge / whatever’s on offer at the pub.

The majority of armchair fans support clubs in the Premier League, hence the necessity of Sky Sports. I’ve said that the majority are fans of Premier League teams but all clubs have them and I imagine that together they make up about 90% of Final Score’s viewing figures. As I mentioned earlier, Match of the Day is a godsend for these fans. When discussing the game with colleagues and friends, their tactical analysis of the match is oddly similar to that of Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson.

Another common trait amongst the Armchair fans is the berating of the match officials, although once again this is not exclusive to the armchair brigade. If you’re still trying to identify one of these fans, they’re the ones shouting “me Nan could have seen that was offside!” at a linesman on the television. Unfortunately the linesman didn’t have the luxury of a slow motion replay, but obviously the aforementioned Nan did.

Almost everyone dreams of being a football player when they’re young, lifting the World Cup, captaining their home town team, scoring a hat-trick against their biggest rivals. The difference for the armchair fan is, he almost did all of those things. If only it wasn’t for that trial at the unnamed Premier League club that he missed because the trains weren’t running and then the car broke down or for the horror tackle that condemned him to the sidelines.

One of the most obvious differences between armchair fans and others is their warped view of finances in football. Transfer “bargains” are regularly in the tens of millions, and I don’t need to go into the excessive wages of top flight players because I won’t be telling you anything you didn’t already know. If a club spend a few million on a player who turns out to be a flop, then the armchair brigade wouldn’t mind; spending a few million on a player would be worth a punt whether it works out or not.

Maybe I have been a bit too harsh on the armchair fan. On a positive note, they do help out their clubs in their own way; they will usually always buy a replica shirt complete with name, number and sleeve badges at the beginning of each season.

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